Ahh... I see the fuckup fairy has visited us again.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet its hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision- I just don't give a damn.

How about never? Is never good for you?

people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable... time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word . itself. MANKIND Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. An I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait-I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then, I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns.

Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.

Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door, and look relieved.

Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny.

Pick up the phone every five minutes and say "Hello." Look confused and hang up.

Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.

When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.

Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him.

Constantly drink from an empty glass.

Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or a glove.

While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.

Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.

Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make a milkshake every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, then at the empty hamster cage, then say, "What? I was curious!"

Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's pictures.

Get a surfboard and put it on your bed. Stand on it and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then pretend to wipe out and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to rescue you. Refer to him as "my hero" from then on.

Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)